I hate it, I hate it with a passion. I don't want to go through this again, I can't do it. I don't want to die or be seriously ill.
These things wash around my mind all the time, but especially when my monthly check up appointment comes along. I like seeing my consultant, he and I get on well I think, but I am terrified to see him really. I dread that he will tell me that something isn't right or that the cancer is back.
I don't think these feelings will ever go - I can't see how they can go.
I had a conversation with Ceri (my consultant) on my last appointment, he said that when his patients get to the 5 year mark and he discharges them from his care, in other words they no longer need to come and see him, most if not all actually say, NO, i'll see you in a year - just to be sure.
I think for anyone that has had cancer, the fear never goes - not really.
I just hope and look forward to a day when I don't think about it that much.
Here is a great article that I read recently on this subject: